Do you believe in fate? I used to, but now I’m not so sure. It seems like a cop out, really. A way out of owning up to our mistakes, but then how else do you explain the way the world works?
We all start out the same. A tiny foetus with mainly the same parts. Once we enter the world, thats when it all changes.
People blame the parents, but that seems too black and white, too. I mean, I didn’t have parents. Who’s to blame for the way I turned out? You can’t even blame my lack of parents. I had what you could call the ‘professionals’ on my side. Nice pretend parents with nice houses who probably knew what they were doing more than most. Between them they looked after dozens of kids, most of them turned out just fine. I didn’t; but, I suppose you know that.
It’s probably genes. I never knew my dad, I’m not sure even my mum did. I never really knew my mum. She chose drugs over me and that was that. Was it all predetermined before I was conceived that I was going to turn out like this? Nothing anyone could do could stop it? It still seems like the easy way out.
I’m supposed to ‘own my actions’ – I think that’s the phrase they use, so I suppose it’s all irrelevant. Whatever it is that made me this way, this is who I am and what happened can only be down to me.
The purpose of this letter is, I guess, to explain why I did what I did. If only it was that easy. I don’t know. I wish there was a simple way to put it so we could all get peace of mind, but there isn’t.
I wasn’t particularly angry. I didn’t particularly need anything. I just got swept up in the moment. I saw an opportunity and went for it. There was no plan, no big ideas. I had only gone in to buy a drink. I saw the till, filled with money. All those crisp notes and something clicked. All the people in the shop had money, they were buying baskets laden with food, bottles of wine, cigarettes. I had just enough for a cheap can of coke. Stupid really. I can’t remember much of what happened. It all went so fast. I just meant to scare the woman, get her to give me the money, but there was some buzzer under the counter. She said she couldn’t open the till, I panicked. She screamed.
I didn’t even realise I had pulled out the knife until the police arrived. It was never supposed to go that far. I wanted a bit of money. I never meant to kill anyone.
I don’t think anything I say can make things right, but I just want you to know that I am sorry for what I did.