I hate that I’m typing this, but NaNo is no more. I’m languishing on little over 15k words with just five days left and the kid is off school for three of those (hurrah for strikes!) I’ve struggled all the way through this years NaNo, but I wanted to keep on it, because after all, you never know what you can achieve until you try. The problem is, it’s starting to get to me. I’ve worked out how many words it will take to catch up and complete and it ain’t pretty. In fact it’s downright terrifying. I don’t need that pressure. I don’t want to spend time worrying about achieving 50k words by the thirtieth, when I can spend that time more usefully. Surely my time would be better spent concentrating on assignments and spending quality time with my son than slogging away at NaNo.
Frankly, my heart isn’t in it this year; maybe that’s the problem. I don’t really want to write. Actually, that’s a lie, I DO want to write, I just don’t want to write this. I don’t think my idea is big enough or good enough to become a novel. It might be, but as it stands, I have no idea where it’s going, I seem to have more of a montage of unrelated scenes and conversations than a fluid story. Besides, I have a second draft that needs editing and I have half a first draft of a story which I love. It seems silly to be messing around on this half-idea.
I only decided to do NaNo on 31st October. It was so last minute, I had nothing organised. None of the contingency plans of last year and no real characters or plot. (Yes, I know, I lost the plot ages ago. Very funny.)
I know that finishing is unlikely, I also know I don’t handle my failings well. If I got to next Wednesday without the final word count, I’d spend yet more time despairing about my ‘failure’ and to be honest I don’t have the energy.
I don’t regret giving NaNo a go this year. If nothing else, it’s taught me how much my ‘old’ stories rock, so I can now attack them with renewed enthusiasm.
So, here’s to not failing and not giving up. Here’s to prioritising and making informed decisions. (And of course, here’s to making stuff up to make yourself feel better.)