After a not so great start to my week, I feel like I’ve managed to get back on top of things.
On Thursday evening, I had my first OU tutorial and to say I was nervous is an understatement. I have never been good at speaking up in groups and I could envisage a re-enactment of my school days: me sitting in silence with a beetroot red face.
I had stopped myself moving ahead with my course, in fear I hadn’t done enough, that I didn’t grasp the material well enough and that I just wasn’t clever enough. When I found things easy to understand, I convinced myself I had completely missed the point.
As predicted, the first fifteen minutes were hell. While the others spoke out and discussed things, I sat in terrified silence. When I had to speak, my voice cracked, my cheeks burned and I wanted to curl up under the table until it was all over.
Fast-forward an hour and I was debating a particular point in a piece of poetry, not a second thought to the fact I was speaking (and disagreeing, no less) with people I had just met.
My point? I got lost in what I was doing. I subconsciously stopped being so worried about whether I was blushing, or what my voice sounded like. I wasn’t worried that I knew less than the others; I had something to say, so I said it. It turned out I did fully understand the subject, and rather than laughing or ridiculing, people listened and even agreed with me.
When I got home, I applied the same theory to getting my Friday flash done. I had my idea, but trying to get it onto paper (or screen) wasn’t working. Nothing I said quite worked, until I stopped worrying and let go of myself. My Flash wasn’t perfect, but I was quite pleased with the effect. I have realised that my self-conciousness runs to my writing and that my best writing always happens when I stop thinking too much, stop being scared and just write.
I also went well over my word count target on my WIP. (Almost 5k words written this week.)
All by letting go of my inhibitions and having more confidence in myself.
I’m going into the next week, with renewed enthusiasm.